D'arvit My Life
by Redbookbluebook
Summary: I was kidnapped by a twelve year old. D'arvit My Life! -Holly. Foaly creates a website where the LEPrecon can post stories about the hilariously terrible things that happen to them. Oneshot.


Disclaimer: Everything Artemis Fowl belongs to Eoin Colfer, especially the line "Two entanglements with the same troll," and in case it wasn't obvious, I don't own FMyLife either…

A/N Try and guess pennames. If you can't, there's an index at the bottom.

**D'arvit My Life**

By Redbookbluebook

**Prologue**

Foaly smirked as he finished up the website's layout. D'arvitMyLife was a site he created for the LEPrecon to share the little moments that screwed up their lives. It would create a sense of unity amongst members and let them know they weren't the only one having a bad day. It would be completely anonymous but for a self-created penname. Plus it would be wildly entertaining for him to read. Not that he planned to mention that to anyone else. Except for maybe Holly. Foaly had been inspired to create this site by the fiery elf that was Captain Holly Short, due to her penchants of letting the word slip when mud shoots out of the dwarf's bottom so to speak.

The site was in no way related to the Mud Man website FMyLife, because due to his superior intellect, Foaly had come up with the idea first. If it weren't for his tinfoil hat and stringent precautions against hacking, he would've sworn the Mud Men had stolen his idea…

**Chapter 1 **

No one appreciates my genius. D'arvitMyLife.

–ClovenGenius

I haven't done the Ritual in over four years. DML.

-Red

Ran out of fungus cigars. Again. D'arvitMyLife.

–Commander

Even Mud Men are less sexist than fairy men. DML.

–Red

Mud Men have found out about the Ritual. D'arvitOurLives.

–Commander

Holly woke up with a massive headache feeling incredibly weak. Moving was agony and attempting to speak yielded little result. A female's voice greeted her in her prison, grating on her already aching headache. She spoke of a boy named Artemis, whose name made Holly shiver. She had a bad feeling about this whole situation, and it was only going to get worse…

Today I was nearly consumed by a giant fireball in an attempt to rescue my kidnapped officer. Needless to say, that failed…DML. –Commander

Meeting Artemis Fowl was every bit as bad as Holly had expected it to be. He was cold and cruel. Holly truly believed Fowl was an incarnate of evil and she could hardly stand to look at the condescending Mud Boy.

'Great, just great,' Holly thought as Artemis informed her he had used truth serum on her to learn about the hostage fund. 'I can see it now on Foaly's DML site:

I betrayed my own people. DML.

–Red

It would appear right after the post:

I was kidnapped by a twelve year old. DML.

–Red'

LEPretrieval One, our most elite retrieval squad, was demolished by a single Mud Man. D'ARVIT! D'ARVIT! D'ARVIT! –Commander

Today I got taken down by a Mud Man mountain. DML. –TroubleIsNotMyMiddleName

Mommy stopped returning my phone calls and Trubs was mean to me today. DML.

–Mommy'sBoy

Beetroot is stopping time at Fowl Manor instead of letting me kill everyone with a blue rinse. D'arvitMyLife.

-BCistheBest (…I'm feeling blue.)

Today I was verbally antagonized by a twelve-year-old Mud Boy who seems to know all of our secrets. D'arvit My Life.

–Commander

If the things I make are so useless Commander, how come you're always posting on here? I am so unappreciated. D'arvitMyLife. –ClovenGenius

Shut up Ponyboy.

–Commander

Take your little love spat elsewhere. I was thrown in prison with goblins, and in case you hadn't realized, us dwarves really aren't fond of fire. DML.

–Goldigger

HOW DID YOU FIND THIS WEBSITE CONVICT? THIS IS FOR LEPRECON PERSONNEL ONLY!

–Commander

Yeesh. Calm down Julius.

–Goldigger

Be glad that I'm not armed right now convict.

–Commander

We've had to resort to asking convicts for help. What is the world coming too? DML.

–Commander

Not so smug now are we Julius?

–Goldigger

I wish that Butler guy was on here. I can only imagine what he would say about being blasted with dwarf recyclings… I almost feel bad for the Mud Mountain. D'arvitHisLife.

–ClovenGenius

Artemis Fowl had a copy of The Book. D'arvitAllOurLives.

-Commander

Management has promoted Cudgeon to Commander and he's sending a troll into Fowl Manor. Holly is still in there. D'arvit!

–Commander

'Two entanglements with the same troll. Someone out there hates me. D'arvitMyLife.' Holly thought, before she passed out from pain; her slim hand fell on Butler's body, where amazingly, a faint pulse was still beating…

Today I was concussed, blinded, stabbed, shot, and I didn't get to eat either of the delicious females I was hunting. Stupid Mud Man. DML.

–ButtUgly

Foaly I know you wrote this, but I don't care. I think I'm still in shock. The Mud Man took down a troll! Not even our entire squadron could do that! I am in awe of a Mud Man. DML.

–Commander

I trusted my future to a D'arviting troll! D'ARVIT MY LIFE!

–BCistheBest

The Mud Boy has our gold. D'arvit.

–Commander

Today when we tried to enter Fowl Manor, it didn't work and we all started throwing up. I didn't have time to open my visor. DML.

–Mommy'sBoy

That lowlife kidnapper had done the impossible. He escaped the time field and the biobomb unscathed. D'arvitMyLife.

-ClovenGenius

Artemis Fowl has won. D'arvitMyLife.

–Red

Beetroot has stumbled across our illegal gambling pool on his life expectancy. D'arvitOurLives.

–Ladies'Man

* * *

Penname Index:

Holly-Red

Cudgeon-BCistheBest

Mulch-Goldigger

Foaly-ClovenGenius

Root-Commander

Trouble-TroubleIsNotMyMiddleName

Grub-Mommy'sBoy

Chix-Ladies'Man

Troll-ButtUgly

(Beetroot is everyone else's nickname for Root, which I would hope you all knew…)

A/N There are two references to other things in here. 50 points to the person who manages to guess them all.


End file.
